UMP Review – The Hoarder

A terribly acted, schmucky horror-wannabee that is easily one of the worst of the genre in 2015.

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There’s literally nothing more adorable than these ridiculously unimaginative, terribly acted horror flicks, that are fired like from a machine gun – just one after another. The Hoarder, directed by Matt Winn, proudly joins this league of horrendously bad movies. Beginning from an awkward idea for the plot, Winn’s film goes deeper and deeper into the category of laughable effort to scare. 

Ella (Mischa Barton) is about to get married, but she feels highly insecure about her partner. She decides to sneak into his rented space in a storage facility to investigate whether she could find something that would reveal any of his secrets (yep, that’s the plot). Unfortunately, just as she opens his locked room, she finds a dark mystery and soon gets trapped in the maze of the huge facility, being stalked by a strange killer.

HOARDER - ROBERT KNEPPER

The Hoarder is one of those movies that you watch without trace of caring for the characters. No matter who dies, how it happens and why it happens – you just witness it, but can’t help being completely unconcerned. Main character, played by Mischa Barton, is a plain, standard woman from a horror flick – doing unexplainably illogical things and keeping the “I’m scared” face for the entire film. Nonetheless, it’s her company that frustrates the viewer even more – a badass wannabee cop, who pops out of nowhere and a dull foreigner, who lives in the facility – to name a few. On top of that impressive, colossal script failure comes the main killer, who could easily match the next Scary Movie, but not a serious horror flick. If that wasn’t enough, The Hoarder is also genuinely ruined by the soundtrack, which generally follows a well-known pattern of screeching violins, but sometimes goes beyond that and feels like a music background for a corny TV drama.

It’s hard not to place The Hoarder among the biggest failures of this year. There’s literally nothing appealing about this film, nothing scary about this film and finally – nothing worth being remembered from this film. And even Mischa Barton’s pretty face does not help to soothe the pain that one experiences during the screening. Just go to a theatre, take your loved one for a walk, grab a book or take a nap – don’t waste precious time on The Hoarder like I did.

UMP Grade: 13/50

(Cinematography: 4, Plot: 2.5, Acting: 2, Soundtrack: 2.5, Quaintness: 2)

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