Time has come to review the entire year and pick up the worst cinematic experiences. Even though there was a lot of solid films in 2015, I was quite surprised how many titles could possibly fit the 10 worst films list. So, here we go – the worst garbage, most dissapointing and the least memorable pieces from 2015!
- Ant Man
I have intentionally opened this list with Marvel’s almost-blockbuster Ant-Man. Even the most ardent fans of Avengers should be honest about this one – the very idea of this film was incredibly ridiculous.
Although I admit it was a very light film, with a bit of humor, no sane person could change the way I perceive a guy, whose nickname is Ant-Man. Paul Rudd had some fun, Michael Douglas should have said “no” before he looked into the script, but the only actor truly worth remembering was Michael Pena. Nonetheless, Ant-Man was still awfully campy at moments, sometimes a bit boring and included just-another-no-name-villain as protagonist’s nemesis. Anyone remembers this bald guy’s name in the film? Just as I expected.
- It Follows
Sometimes people wish to see light even in the most overwhelming darkness – that’s how I relate to this cult around Mitchell’s It Follows. I agree that the film is based on a very original idea, consists of a modern, stylistic soundtrack, nicely delivered cinematography, but… the rest is A MESS. Maika Monroe ruins the whole movie with her demolishingly cringy acting, the script is just laughable (mainly in the second part of the film) and it is not even remotely scary. I get it, the point of the film is that the scare comes from the mysterious “follower”, who remains quite undefined, but let’s be honest – if you are scared by naked, elderly people standing on a roof then it’s about time to stop watching horrors. Or at least watch The Exorcist and then say that a flick is scary as hell.
- Spring
Some praised this indie mixture of horror and romance as something fresh and uniquely engaging. The film told a story of an American, who simply said “**** this ****” one day and travelled to Europe, seeking for a better life. Unfortunately, as far as I’m concerned, Spring was a lackluster attempt to squeeze too much out of a dry fruit. Lou Taylor Pucci’s acting skills are a pain in the *** and the only true reason I finished Spring was Nadia Hilker (mainly her good looks of course). The plot twist, which made some viewers love the film for, was also highly predictable. Why on Earth we need to watch beautiful women turned into werewolves, vampires and all that weird, unattractive stuff? They really look better without any slimy or furry stuff on their bodies…
Check out my review of Spring.
- Seventh Son
The peak of popularity for fantasy films was reached once The Lord of The Rings was storming the cinemas. Right now, there is a lack of good flicks in this genre. And Seventh Son was no sort of help to change it.
More than being just a mediocre fantasy film, Seventh Son’s cast was almost a guarantee of success. Internationally acclaimed actress Julianne Moore as a bloodthirsty witch and Jeff Bridges (no comments needed) should have constituted a hypnotizing duo. What’s more, there was a solid back up from supporting roles – Olivia Newman, Djimon Hounsou and this year’s star Alicia Vikander. It looked more than solid, but Sergei Bodrov managed to create a terribly boring film nonetheless. And even if you added Al Pacino, Marlon Brando and Meryl Streep to the cast, nothing would change. Not one bit. So, my dear UMP followers, don’t waste your time on this film.
- Heaven Knows What
This one might be surprising – at least for those, who follow the latest news on the various prizes and awards. Heaven Knows What gained some vast recognition and received multiple awards (…), but it only proves that the modern cinema is frankly dying. The film follows three drug-addicts and their day-to-day activities, which are faltering, shouting and taking drugs. I must agree that it is a very realistic sketch, but a chaotic and a dull one. And as I have written in my review earlier this year, even hardbass included in the soundtrack did not help to make it better. That HAS to mean something.
Check my review of Heaven Knows What.
- Avengers Grimm
Channel Sy-Fy is a gold mine of campy stuff nowadays, but they have strong back up from the production studio Asylum, which aims at remaking all the currently popular blockbusters – the so called mockbusters. Since this year Marvel has risen up with Avengers: Age of Ultron, Asylum had to strike back with… Avengers Grimm. But don’t expect Thor to fall from the sky – this film’s heroes are, among others: Cinderella, The Wolfman and Snow White (?!). So, the title suggests a rip-off of Marvel, the plot manages to include more classic characters, whilst the production budget was lower than insubstantial – I hope you understand this HAD to be included in this particular list.
- Green Inferno
Well, that was definitely Eli Roth’s year. It cemented his position as one of the most terrible filmmakers of our times. Green Inferno was advertised as a gruesome, spine-chilling experience and the director’s bow before classy gore Cannibal Holocaust. The outcome was something entirely reversed. The gore scenes were campy, no-name actors did their best to become Roth’s cannon fodder and immensely big Amazon jungle was reduced to several, claustrophobic locations. Oh boy, Green Inferno is a mess.
P.S. I admire Lorenza Izzo for supporting her husband to such an extent. I really do.
- Cowboys vs. Dinosaurs
The title says it all – imagine a film where Brokeback Mountain meets Godzilla or Jurassic Park. And add some random dialogues, terrible acting and special effects produced in Windows Movie Maker. Do I really need to tell you more about this utterly bad thing?
P.S. How do they finance these movies? I want to direct one as well…
- Love 3D
Gaspar Noe’s most recent film is an ultimate failure of the French director. His bold attempt to cross the barriers and discuss the essence of love via sex exploitation could be a provocative, intelligent film. Well, could is the key word. Instead, Love 3D paralyzed me with how pathetic it was. The script, which – as the rumor has it – was about 7 pages in total, was a story of a love triangle of three dauntingly bleak characters. The dialogues were painful for any self-respecting viewer (those discussions about titular love written by middle-school teenager…) and the sole essence of the film – sex scenes – where more disgusting than appealing. Mr. Noe should really switch to porn industry…
Check my review of Love 3D.
- Knock Knock
I believe it’s good that this particular film by Eli Roth did not gain enough recognition to be viewed in cinemas. Some of you might have been lucky enough to avoid this ultimate failure, but I joined the miserable, unfortunate percentage of people, who witnessed Knock Knock.
Where to begin? Obviously, it’s a nail to the coffin for Keanu Reeves. It’s just unbelievable how cringe-worthy his performance is, how artificial and lackluster, how ridiculous and hilariously bad. It almost seems like Eli Roth hired Keanu to put him on display and add a golden sign “look! Here is the worst actor in the universe”. The plot of Knock Knock is a home invasion type of script, but don’t expect too much Funny Games spirit here. It’s just two stunning women, who try to be scary and Keanu who tries to be scared. The outcome is a horror comedy so campy that even the first Scream could be considered a full-bodied thriller. And that “**** me daddy” scene, oh God why…
P.S. You know a movie is the worst film of the year when even two pairs of beautiful naked bodies cannot change your perception.
That was it. Hope it wasn’t as painful for you to read as it was for me to watch all that garbage 🙂
And here’s a list of outsiders (for many reasons they didn’t make it to the top 10):
- Jupiter Ascending (anyone still claims Channing Tatum is a good actor after that?)
- Fantastic Four (I just couldn’t find words to describe how boring and cringe-worthy this flick was)
- The Human Centipede III (I hope there will be a fourth one, in the Star Wars universum maybe)
- Klezmer (my natives direct bad films too…)
- Mortdecai (why Johnny, just why?)
- Self/Less (how did they convince Ben Kingsley to play in this garbage – I will never know the exact numbers)
- The Subjects (good idea turned into something amazingly pathetic)
- Megashark vs. Kolossus (one of the many epic clashes made in Movie Maker)
- In The Heart Of The Sea (Thor in the seas fighting a huge whale… wait, it’s not Thor?)
- Blackhat (Thor pretending to be a technology nerd… wait, it’s not Thor again?)
- Cop Car (You can dream to be like the Coen brothers, but you will never become one of them, mr. Watts)
- The Hoarder (Mischa Barton wasting her career opportunities vol. XXX)
Unusual Motion Pictures 